South Bend 2008

My cousin Mary was married for 33 years to a great guy, Jim Funkhouser. Jim passed away 2 weeks ago and it took us all by surprise. He was as full of life as anyone I’ve ever known. He was sharp as a tack, but awfully silly. He yakked a lot, but kept his complaints to himself. He was the most considerate host, but also a big practical joker. This side of his personality must have been the last to go…and I think it actually hung around awhile…

When we got the call, I knew I wanted to be with the family but wasn’t sure I could swing it. I only had 2 days due to other commitments including a scheduled trip with Steve the day after the funeral. Off I went to be with my cousin and her sons. Here was my plan: Tues. Jan.29, 2008 – Scheduled to leave Dallas, connect through Cleveland to South Bend, Indiana. Due to arrive at 6:00 pm , rent a car for a 20 minute drive to Elkhart for the wake that evening. Funeral set for Wednesday morning at 10:00 am. Due to fly out of South Bend at 3:00 pm, connect through Cleveland and back to Dallas.

Here’s what really happened:
Left Dallas 3 hours late due to high winds. Missed connection out of Cleveland. Waited in Cleveland 4 hours. It’s OK. I won’t see Mary tonight, but will stay with other cousins and see her in the morning. I finish my Bible study lesson and buy a new paperback. At 9:00 pm (12 hours after leaving home) the new flight was cancelled due to weather. I walked half a mile to claim my bag so I could be dressed for the funeral when I left on the early morning flight.

It’s still OK. I won’t be there tonight, but will make it to the funeral in the morning. I decided to save $30.00 and not stay at the hotel adjoining the airport. Instead, I rode in a van with 3 drunk “30-somethings” to a very old, no-so-clean Ramada. I drug my bag through a dark alley, dodging icy patches to find my room in a back building.

It’s still sort of OK. Jim Funkhouser would have chuckled at me over this.I awaken at 5:45 to make my early flight. The motel “breakfast” was a donut with some sort of crusty surface. I’m hungry, tired and a little cranky, but I’m sure it didn’t show! I learn my flight is running a little late. Oh, well. I’ll have time to finish my book. My flight finally leaves an hour late for South Bend. I’ll have to sneak in to the back of the funeral, but I’ll see everyone at Mary’s house afterward.

I land in South Bend, race to the rental car booth and grab the keys. On the way to the car, I notice a lot of ice, snow and stuff falling out of the sky. I ask 3 people about driving conditions. Three Yankee accents tell me it is awful! For crying out loud! I’m from Texas! We don’t do ice!I call my husband (for the twentieth time) and we decide I shouldn’t try to drive. I turn in the rental car paperwork, but can’t find the car keys! I dump out my pockets and my big satchel purse. They are nowhere to be found. The rental lady is not amused. Neither am I. Suddenly, a man walks up and says he found some keys! Well, thank you Lord. I had no desire to own a subcompact car in Indiana. But I have just spent a lot of money and won’t see my cousin or pay my respects to a sweet guy.

There is nothing left to do but sit on a bench and cry, so I do just that, and hope no one notices me. I’m not making a scene, but a man appears beside me asking if he can help. I tell him I’ve had to cancel plans to drive to a funeral in Elkhart because I have no experience driving on ice. He offers to drive me there! He doesn’t look like an axe murderer, but there simply won’t be time for me to make the slow drive on ice there and back to catch my afternoon flight. I think Jim would have told me to make an adventure out of it.

I explore every nook and cranny of the airport, even viewing the tiny museum and seeing pictures of South Bend from the era when I lived there as a little girl. I’m disappointed the candy shop doesn’t carry Fannie Mae’s. I’m sad because this makes me think of Jim buying that candy for his mother-in-law’s funeral. He asked all the guests to have one to remember her crazy love for the stuff. Typical, thoughtful Jim.

I wander into the secure area to sit and wait. But I can’t get through because now I’ve lost my ID! After dumping everything out of the satchel again, I find my license disguised by a big Post-It note stuck to it. I expect to see Steve Martin and John Candy any minute. For crying out loud! Could I please catch a break??

I sit and read for an hour (now on a second book). I get up to stretch my legs, taking my stuff with me. When I sit down again it is on another row of seats. Now I can’t find my reading glasses! As I sit, feeling certain I’m losing my mind, a lady walks up and hands me my glasses. Someone sent another angel to me!

Time to board my plane to connect through Cleveland. I get on the plane. I settle in and start reading. The left engine winds down suddenly. We all get off the plane. Flight canceled due to mechanical problems. OK! This is not funny at all. Chaos reigns in the small airport.

I get reassigned to a later flight, leave the secure area and claim my bag for the 3rd time in less than one day. Gosh, Jim. I wish you were here to tell one of your famous jokes and calm down this crowd of crazy Hoosiers! I wait 3 more hours and change into sweats in the restroom, using the baby changing table for my clothes. It would have been plenty of time to make it to Mary’s but they have left for the burial in Terra Haute.

While in the security line I notice my tickets say “Stand By”…but I had been assured I was confirmed! I use my cell phone (rather than lose my place in the long line) to straighten this out, then put the phone in my pocket. This is the last flight out of South Bend today! It’s my turn through security and I still had my cell phone in my pocket. Alarms sound! Homeland security has already been watching me because I’ve been lurking here for hours and hours. I’m immediately asked to “Step aside” (at least in Texas he would have added “Please Ma’am”) for a pat down. Suddenly a huge, tall woman comes at me with her hands outstretched aiming for my chest! I can only imagine the joke Jim would have come up with on this one!

Finally, I’m on my way to Cincinnati…which is really in Kentucky. I’m thrilled to be making progress, but my seat is more like a shelf next to the flight attendant’s work station. She is a chatty Cathy who decides I look bored and need a job. She shoves plastic bags and a crate of bottled water at me. She wants me to put bottles in the bags and hand them to her as she needs them. I hear all about how she’s 50, never married, and can’t find a good man. She hugs me twice as I sit on my shelf and thanks me for listening. We land and I get away as fast as possible.

In Cincinnati I am bumped up to first class! I drink 2 glasses of wine on the way to Dallas. Jim would have approved! I finally get home at 10:30 pm, about 37 hours after leaving home.

At 10:00 the next morning Steve and I are flying to Florida for a business meeting. As soon as we arrive, I manage to change and go to the cocktail party with Steve. We strike up a conversation with a young couple I've never met. I nearly faint when I see his name badge…Brian Funkhouser! And as I push my jaw back into place, he tell us his dad’s name is….Jim Funkhouser!!! While we quickly learned they were no relation to my cousin’s husband, I still thought: OK, Jim. I get it.

This was your last practical joke and it was on me. I’m honored. Rest in peace, dear one.